Relationships

Many think I am incapable of forming genuine relationship with others. Though, I know that they are incorrect. I struggle maintaining relationships including "friendships" as I find people to be too unpredictable. Truth is I respect and trust animals more than humans because it seems to me that humans more so than being unpredictable are also unreliable. I strongly feel I can understand animals better as their behaviors are intrinsic, therefore "honest". People appear to hide their "true" motive, they may be sad and or angry but they can pretend otherwise. This is so confusing as I don't see why one has to constantly fake it as to satisfy their own or others' ego. I am often told that I am too blunt. Am I really? Or am I saying out loud what others think though are instructed to shush as improper to comment upon. For instance; I strongly dislike when others inquire "how I am doing". For one thing, most people who say it, say it nonchalantly and only for good etiquette. Does the cashier really care about what is going on with me? Does the waiter care to hear all about my life's "tragedies"? Perhaps, I don't feel well, or I am dealing with overwhelming grief over the loss of a loved one (most likely a pet)... or do they care to hear how I am feeling confused since I woke up in the morning and or feel frustrated how others in the line are being so obnoxious or that the noise in the restaurant or store is literally annoying me to the point I wish I could be "deaf" for a few moment as to think straight? Hence my point, it is so hypocritical to ask such "intrusive" question. I don't ask others how they are doing as truly I don't care, I comprehend they have their own issues and if they wanted to volunteer any of it, they would. Also, let clarify that I tend to think that despite my personal and selfish though real internal and emotional struggle, I feel prompted to respond "Of course, I am fine". I mean aren't we fine? We are spoiled.... I think to myself, I am not handicapped, I am not losing a child to an incurable illness, nor am I being witness to atrocities around me. Hence, even if for an instant I felt I was dealing with too much such as a loss of a loved one, isn't it the cycle of life and what would you respond to such if we are simply strangers? As even if any one cares enough to follow up with you in the next few days...

The people that got to know me and accept me, know now better than to ask me questions about my personal life. I hate it. First, I find it intrusive and second unless I discuss it and tell you all about it in a monologue, I don't want to discuss it as I wish to escape my own thoughts.

Finally, let's be real. Why ask each other questions to which you do not want to hear the answer? Hence, I tend to warn others that I am blunt and while it seems refreshing as most comment, it can hurt, though I am only showing them respect by answering them bluntly. For instance, I hate when some ask "do you think I am fat?", first if you ask, it is probably because it is on your mind and second, you hope that I will assure you otherwise as to reassure you. Though, would I be doing you justice and demonstrate you respect by lying to you. So if you can't accept the answer I may provide you, please do not ask me such questions.

Finally,  I acknowledge that I struggle to maintain relationships with others though I also no longer care to try. My past experiences have taught me that many are judgmental and more so condemning and I no longer care to try to be loved by all. The people that will accept me as I am, are the ones I care to have around. Though let's clarify, I need my space and when very excited or anxious, I tend to be too much for many. Hence, I learned to avoid most social interactions as I find myself disappointed. The few that earned my trust, know that I care about them when I mean them no respect by saying I love them as much I think of them as my pets. I think very highly of my pets and in my words, this is truly the best compliment I can give them: I trust them and care unconditionally for them.