Fear

I can't sleep as my mind races with thoughts. I can't help but feel overwhelmed and "anxious" as I realize that this is my "normal", I will always worry about everything and feel like I do. I may become better at hiding it from others, though I know I will never stop feeling the way I do nor stop thinking the way I do. The truth is I am "depressed" since I was a teenager and I convince myself that I am alright. Part of me wants to believe that I can control my dark thoughts and anxiety by changing my train of thoughts. Another part of me knows that I will continue to experience the world the way I do: I will continue to feel lonely. As I attempt to maintain even one friendship, I feel exhausted as I try so hard to understand the other person. Truth is most of the time, I am confused and it leaves me feeling "stupid" and "inadequate", while reminding me that I am "different". What I don't tell people is how I fear I will never experience life the way they do. My pets are on the bed by my side, I could not imagine a better surrounding. I may want one day to share my bed with another human though I know I can't, I need my space and I get so easily overwhelm when with someone else. The truth is I know I am not suited to be in a relationship with another human. I may want to though after a few hours, I just want and really "NEED" to be left alone. I am drained. What is wrong with me? I often wonder, though I know this is part of my condition, I feel it is unfair. I fear telling the ones close to me how I feel as I fear they would not understand and instead judge me. 

While my father understands that I have "autism" which explains to him my "odd" behavior since a child, I don't think he knows how lonely I feel and how scared I am of living. It won't ever get better, I am now 33 years old and I fear that for the rest of my life: I will continue to feel as I always felt since a child: "alone". I might find some comfort in knowing others out there are like me and hence I am not alone though I feel alone, each time I interact with another individual who does not share my neurological impairment. I wonder if one time, I will ever experience what others refer to "love". I don't know nor truly understand that type of emotion between humans. I care for my animals, in part I suspect it is because I understand them and so I can relate to them. While with people, I am at a loss, hence I can't even begin to pretend I feel a connection with them. So how can I even begin to say I "love" them. I "love" my parents and siblings as I know I should though I don't feel "it". I feel terrible about myself as I admit how I feel: I feel nothing toward them. I know I should care and I do in the sense that I must, though in truth I have no idea what it feels to actually care for my mom, my dad, my sister and or my brother. I wonder if I ever will come to feel a connection to any of them. 

Fear or paranoia

Recently I was informed that indeed I was not crazy as I suffer from gastrointestinal issues. I was recently diagnosed as having a redundant colon. I couldn't help but feel on one hand "relieved" as I knew I was not making up all these IBS issues then on the other hand, I felt "angry" as I kept thinking about how all these years, I was told I was responsible for my cramps: I was anxious. 

My question is can I trust the medical field? I had to have internal bleeding to uncover my "abnormal" colon as the surgeon described it, while I had to question if perhaps my very long "so called abnormal" was maybe what a friend thought was "redundant colon". Well, it was confirmed indeed I have a redundant colon and IBS is a symptom of my dysfunctional gastrointestinal system. 

I have been told for years it was my anxiety, which caused all my cramps and other gastrointestinal discomfort. Today, I am told that my chronic pain in my guts is a symptom of my dysfunctional gastrointestinal system. Indeed, it is common for individual with autism to suffer from such. So, in other words, it is now confirmed I was not insane, I was in pain because my gastrointestinal is inflamed. I am advised to change my diet and attempt to follow the FODMOP diet. 

Well, I admit I feel reluctant to trust anyone in the medical field. For years, I was told I had IBS as I was anxious. Today, I am told IBS is a symptom of redundant colon and other gastrointestinal complications still unknown to the medical field though known to be common among individuals with autism. Great, I am not crazy. 

The need to be alone

In the past few weeks, I attempted to challenge myself socially. I always said that I can't handle more than one person at a time. I feel pressured to include all parties in the conversation being challenging for me (I am told I do monologues). Not only is it difficult for myself to concentrate on what one person is saying when I feel nervous surrounded by too many. Anyhow, I can report that even being with a small group (2 other people beside myself) is too difficult for me. I simply feel too overwhelmed and afterward I wish I had opted for my familiar answer: NO! I feel exhausted already when I hang out too long with just one person, so imagine more than one. While I comprehend that it is nobody else's fault, I need space and time to recover from such interactions. People tend to see me as a loner, truth be told, I wish at times I could interact though I get so easily overwhelmed that I elect to avoid most social interactions. One of the reason, I really can't say I have friends. I feel also partially guilty though I can't do otherwise. I tried to socialize in the past weeks with even just one person on a daily basis and I can't deny how many times I felt to myself: "I NEED SPACE", "IT IS TOO MUCH" so I confess I felt rather relieved when that person even cancelled our plan to "hang out" one day. I needed it so bad. Now, understand I am not saying it is that person or other's fault that I can't handle so much, rather it is a "need" of mine. I simply feel depleted of all energy when I interact with anyone. The whole time, I fear I may be too blunt and get into an awkward moment having to explain what I just said or I fear I am doing a monologue as I struggle to perceive the social cues from the other person. In other words, I often leave any social interaction feeling exhausted mentally and afraid as well as anxious that I overwhelmed the other party as much as I may have done something inappropriate (socially awkward). Great, right? You see my point perhaps now as why it is easier to just avoid it all together.

Lost of self

Truth be told, I am still struggling with coming to term with who I am. Part of me fears my future as I accept that most people think I am "weird" and as a result: it seems my inability to sustain relationships will persist. In other words, I must accept that I will not be understood by many, despite hoping throughout the years that one day I will "mature" and finally "catch up" to my peers as I wondered why I react so differently from others. On the other hand, I see it as a positive; there is a reason I always felt "different" and "inadequate" hence I was after all not "crazy".  Plus, it is not my fault, I am genetically different, it is not like I did something wrong to be the way I am. Growing up I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't like the others around me. I was constantly told I was "weird" or a "freak" by my peers, then at home it seems that my parents sided with the enemies by reminding why couldn't I just be "normal" like the other kids of my age. So I knew something was definitely off with me though I thought it was "my fault", like why couldn't I act like everyone else (that's what I heard over and over throughout my existence). Now I comprehend it isn't something I did or rather things I don't do. I can't help it, my behavior is odd though not so odd to others like myself. Part of me feels "relief" from knowing I am not alone, there are others like myself. On another hand, I wish I could feel like most feel. I genuinely wish I could feel what my siblings feel in regards to my parents, or what people feel when they care about someone (intimate relationships), instead I am told "I am cold" though I have a big heart. I struggle to relate to others and as such I feel frustrated and lonely. My inability to pick up subtleties during communication with others is more than just frustrating; it feels like I am a failure. I feel "guilty" as I can't seem to "respect" the view point of my discussion partner. "Discussion" refers to "two" from "di" and I seem to fail miserably at realizing when the other wishes to contribute, instead my brain gets so caught up in thinking that I monologue and as such leaves my "partner" feeling frustrated and probably "disrespected". I can assure you that this is not my intention, though it seems that I have no clue when someone wishes to say something, resulting in them feeling like I don't care to hear their viewpoint. Overall, making others assume that I don't care what they think. I like to think I am a good listener though I realize I take it literally. I listen and can recall what people share though I don't actually "hear" what they mean. It really hurts as it is apparent I will always wonder when I leave someone if I heard them or not. Probably not and I will continue to feel like a failure and fear I came across as "self absorbed" to them.