I was inspired to write this post, as it occurs to me that my own struggle to form a "relationship" and really a connection between myself and my parents, is a struggle many like myself experience. I wish to share how I felt growing up and how I continue to feel toward my parents. On one hand, I must say I never felt connected to neither of my parents and to be fair this extends to my siblings as well. It does not mean I don't care nor love them, I simply don't feel close to them. As a child, I knew they were my parents, which meant we were a family though emotionally I never felt I was part of the family. I used to think secretly for many years, I had been adopted. I felt so different from them, as I write this, I come to realize that it was probably due to my condition: I struggle to form relationship with people. When I was 15 years old, my father told us (the family) at dinner that he had bad news. I guessed right, our family dog had passed. My parents got him when I was a baby. Growing up, he was my best buddy. Due to a skin condition, a dear friend of my dad who own lands in the country offered to give him a better suited home than living in an apartment in Paris. He could run free... be happy. I remember when we would visit, me and my dad would go to the grocery store and got marrow bones in the meat section to bring him as a treat. I missed him so bad. I learned to swim like a dog because of him. I used to hug him, I loved him. Anyhow, that evening as my dad confirmed my worst fear: death had strikes unjustly again. I began to cry then I became angry as neither my sister, nor mom and nor dad seem affected by it. I stormed down to my bedroom and slammed the door. I called them monsters: they were cold, why weren't they sad for the death of our awesome dog? I felt more connected to my dog than my own family. To this day, I feel more love for my dogs and my cat (pets and animal in general) than for my family including my husband, I can't explain it nor help it, it is how I feel. I always try though to find an explanation for things. I ponder if indeed it is because they never judged me, while people disappoint me as they often are quick to judge me. Though I can say one thing, I know one thing with certainty, the love I feel for my animals is definitely "unconditional" while the love I struggle to feel for my family is more like a duty. They are my family hence I know I must love them though as I don't feel understood by them, I struggle to express it. I want to clarify one thing: I do love them all, I simply don't feel connected. Like I told my dad, it is a fact, I know it sounds wrong though I can't help it, it's how I feel: I love my pets more than them. It does not mean I don't love my parents, I just don't know how to better explain it than it's how I feel. The way I tell in my opinion my dad how I feel is by sharing with him memories of us doing things that mattered to me. For instance, I told him recently thank you for all the trips at the museum and zoo when little, I loved these. I also hope he knows that the trip to the grocery store to get my dog a bone felt like a special trip between him and I. When my dad recently visited here, I really appreciated when he joined me and my dogs for a walk, or when he let my dogs climb on his legs.... I felt closer to him then as if part of my world had been shared making me feel like we connected.
When I shared with my dad how I felt: "I love my dogs more than him", I expressed that I knew according to many it sounds wrong though I can't lie, it is how I feel. I mean I am stuck with my parents, I didn't choose them. They are my parents, it is a fact, I can't just exchange them. My dogs however came in my life, it happened and I wasn't expected to love them as I am to love my family even if I don't truly like their personality (if some of them were not my family, I would not ever be in contact nor friend with them). The love and relationship I formed with each of my dogs was genuine, it was a true connection. The feelings grew on me, I care very much about them. I do feel they are a big part of me. They love me and accept me as I am. This is unconditional love.
I comprehend that I am not good at making people feel like I let them in hence I can be seen as cold though I don't mean it. I struggle to communicate with people and I grow increasingly frustrated at times, as since a kid, all I ever wanted and continue to want is to feel understood instead of misunderstood. What I am trying to say is if you are a parent, please don't think that your child (if like I and others out there) does not care. We care, we just communicate it differently.
