Inner dialogue

 I will be 39 this year. Reality is I never feel like my age. I feel like a kid trying to act just as I felt growing up. I still try to imitate how people/characters act on TV. 

For the past few years, I have been trying to convince myself that I can suppress my reality. I struggle being in a relationship, I always have. I want to be close to someone but I really don’t. Relationships are hard for me. I feel drained when I interact with others. Every relationship I had and have, I can’t share a room as I hate being that close to anyone. 

Most time, my narrative lurks as I wonder about the fact that I don’t think I am meant to be in a relationship. If I was to be honest, I hate relationships as I struggle to care for the other party. It feels unnatural to be in a relationship and at same time, I feel like I convinced myself I want one. I think I want to feel loved but feel incapable of feeling loved. 

How do I tell anyone that without sounding cold. Actually, I do love though the recipient or recipients are not human. My dogs were the first beings that made me feel like I had a family, I feel that unconditional love for them which I have never experienced with any of my family. I would do anything for any animal. My animals taught me I was capable to feel love. I never felt this way with any human. I can’t help but think what is wrong with me. What if the truth is I am unable to love anyone? If I was to be honest, I hate relationships. I feel this obligation to care when really I don’t. I feel guilt as I know it is wrong so I try to care. It’s like I am damaged and unable to reciprocate people’s feelings. 

My reality

As much as I like to tell myself and others that I feel okay, I know it is partially a lie. Who wants to confess that they are not well with themselves, the way they are. I feel as if I have an obligation to partially pretend as "it could always be worse". I mean I don't have cancer, I have all my limbs... However, I also know that the truth is that I will always struggle with the way I think and feel. I feel very lonely most times especially as I interact with others. It becomes apparent that I cannot easily relate and I feel frustrated as I fail to communicate appropriately. I then wish I could feel and experience what others seem to describe. I feel sometimes so overwhelmed and desperate as I realize I am different and will continue to struggle. I feel as if I am selfish for saying I struggle as it seems that indeed by comparison to worst scenarios I am by far better off though it does not change the fact that I feel "off". I wish I could communicate better and really I could relate to others. I feel I have to fake it in order to survive in the world I live. I selfishly wish I could however have others experience just a day in my body and feel what I feel. My psychiatrist claims most people would be too overwhelmed and unable to handle it as contrary to individuals like myself, they didn't live and grow up with our condition (being sensitive to so much...). When I observe others, I can't help but wonder what it feels to "care" for another. I care though I can't say I understand how I feel if I even feel. I never had a need to hug another being except animals. I don't like touch and I certainly HATE feeling. I get so overwhelmed that sometime I can have a panic attack just from a hand shake. I feel betrayed by my body. I understand in an intellectual way what it is to love though I don't know if I truly understand it as I don't feel it. It is more like I know I must love my family though I don't know if I actually feel it like people do. I care and I don't, I feel bad being this way. I wish I could feel what makes people hug one another... Truth is most of my life I tried to react the way it seems I was expected to. I felt foreign. I recall how I felt inadequate around children my age and really around people my whole life. I felt so misunderstood by my own family. Instead I learned to act a certain way to avoid getting in trouble. I also tried to imitate what I saw on television. I still today act the way I think I should act according to situations that seem similar to ones I watched on television shows or movies. Sometime people will ask me why I acted that way and I will admit because I thought that is how people acted in that situation (based on my observation off a tv show or movie). Their response often confuses me as they say that what I see on tv and or movies is not "reality".

Fear

I can't sleep as my mind races with thoughts. I can't help but feel overwhelmed and "anxious" as I realize that this is my "normal", I will always worry about everything and feel like I do. I may become better at hiding it from others, though I know I will never stop feeling the way I do nor stop thinking the way I do. The truth is I am "depressed" since I was a teenager and I convince myself that I am alright. Part of me wants to believe that I can control my dark thoughts and anxiety by changing my train of thoughts. Another part of me knows that I will continue to experience the world the way I do: I will continue to feel lonely. As I attempt to maintain even one friendship, I feel exhausted as I try so hard to understand the other person. Truth is most of the time, I am confused and it leaves me feeling "stupid" and "inadequate", while reminding me that I am "different". What I don't tell people is how I fear I will never experience life the way they do. My pets are on the bed by my side, I could not imagine a better surrounding. I may want one day to share my bed with another human though I know I can't, I need my space and I get so easily overwhelm when with someone else. The truth is I know I am not suited to be in a relationship with another human. I may want to though after a few hours, I just want and really "NEED" to be left alone. I am drained. What is wrong with me? I often wonder, though I know this is part of my condition, I feel it is unfair. I fear telling the ones close to me how I feel as I fear they would not understand and instead judge me. 

While my father understands that I have "autism" which explains to him my "odd" behavior since a child, I don't think he knows how lonely I feel and how scared I am of living. It won't ever get better, I am now 33 years old and I fear that for the rest of my life: I will continue to feel as I always felt since a child: "alone". I might find some comfort in knowing others out there are like me and hence I am not alone though I feel alone, each time I interact with another individual who does not share my neurological impairment. I wonder if one time, I will ever experience what others refer to "love". I don't know nor truly understand that type of emotion between humans. I care for my animals, in part I suspect it is because I understand them and so I can relate to them. While with people, I am at a loss, hence I can't even begin to pretend I feel a connection with them. So how can I even begin to say I "love" them. I "love" my parents and siblings as I know I should though I don't feel "it". I feel terrible about myself as I admit how I feel: I feel nothing toward them. I know I should care and I do in the sense that I must, though in truth I have no idea what it feels to actually care for my mom, my dad, my sister and or my brother. I wonder if I ever will come to feel a connection to any of them. 

Fear or paranoia

Recently I was informed that indeed I was not crazy as I suffer from gastrointestinal issues. I was recently diagnosed as having a redundant colon. I couldn't help but feel on one hand "relieved" as I knew I was not making up all these IBS issues then on the other hand, I felt "angry" as I kept thinking about how all these years, I was told I was responsible for my cramps: I was anxious. 

My question is can I trust the medical field? I had to have internal bleeding to uncover my "abnormal" colon as the surgeon described it, while I had to question if perhaps my very long "so called abnormal" was maybe what a friend thought was "redundant colon". Well, it was confirmed indeed I have a redundant colon and IBS is a symptom of my dysfunctional gastrointestinal system. 

I have been told for years it was my anxiety, which caused all my cramps and other gastrointestinal discomfort. Today, I am told that my chronic pain in my guts is a symptom of my dysfunctional gastrointestinal system. Indeed, it is common for individual with autism to suffer from such. So, in other words, it is now confirmed I was not insane, I was in pain because my gastrointestinal is inflamed. I am advised to change my diet and attempt to follow the FODMOP diet. 

Well, I admit I feel reluctant to trust anyone in the medical field. For years, I was told I had IBS as I was anxious. Today, I am told IBS is a symptom of redundant colon and other gastrointestinal complications still unknown to the medical field though known to be common among individuals with autism. Great, I am not crazy. 

The need to be alone

In the past few weeks, I attempted to challenge myself socially. I always said that I can't handle more than one person at a time. I feel pressured to include all parties in the conversation being challenging for me (I am told I do monologues). Not only is it difficult for myself to concentrate on what one person is saying when I feel nervous surrounded by too many. Anyhow, I can report that even being with a small group (2 other people beside myself) is too difficult for me. I simply feel too overwhelmed and afterward I wish I had opted for my familiar answer: NO! I feel exhausted already when I hang out too long with just one person, so imagine more than one. While I comprehend that it is nobody else's fault, I need space and time to recover from such interactions. People tend to see me as a loner, truth be told, I wish at times I could interact though I get so easily overwhelmed that I elect to avoid most social interactions. One of the reason, I really can't say I have friends. I feel also partially guilty though I can't do otherwise. I tried to socialize in the past weeks with even just one person on a daily basis and I can't deny how many times I felt to myself: "I NEED SPACE", "IT IS TOO MUCH" so I confess I felt rather relieved when that person even cancelled our plan to "hang out" one day. I needed it so bad. Now, understand I am not saying it is that person or other's fault that I can't handle so much, rather it is a "need" of mine. I simply feel depleted of all energy when I interact with anyone. The whole time, I fear I may be too blunt and get into an awkward moment having to explain what I just said or I fear I am doing a monologue as I struggle to perceive the social cues from the other person. In other words, I often leave any social interaction feeling exhausted mentally and afraid as well as anxious that I overwhelmed the other party as much as I may have done something inappropriate (socially awkward). Great, right? You see my point perhaps now as why it is easier to just avoid it all together.

Lost of self

Truth be told, I am still struggling with coming to term with who I am. Part of me fears my future as I accept that most people think I am "weird" and as a result: it seems my inability to sustain relationships will persist. In other words, I must accept that I will not be understood by many, despite hoping throughout the years that one day I will "mature" and finally "catch up" to my peers as I wondered why I react so differently from others. On the other hand, I see it as a positive; there is a reason I always felt "different" and "inadequate" hence I was after all not "crazy".  Plus, it is not my fault, I am genetically different, it is not like I did something wrong to be the way I am. Growing up I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't like the others around me. I was constantly told I was "weird" or a "freak" by my peers, then at home it seems that my parents sided with the enemies by reminding why couldn't I just be "normal" like the other kids of my age. So I knew something was definitely off with me though I thought it was "my fault", like why couldn't I act like everyone else (that's what I heard over and over throughout my existence). Now I comprehend it isn't something I did or rather things I don't do. I can't help it, my behavior is odd though not so odd to others like myself. Part of me feels "relief" from knowing I am not alone, there are others like myself. On another hand, I wish I could feel like most feel. I genuinely wish I could feel what my siblings feel in regards to my parents, or what people feel when they care about someone (intimate relationships), instead I am told "I am cold" though I have a big heart. I struggle to relate to others and as such I feel frustrated and lonely. My inability to pick up subtleties during communication with others is more than just frustrating; it feels like I am a failure. I feel "guilty" as I can't seem to "respect" the view point of my discussion partner. "Discussion" refers to "two" from "di" and I seem to fail miserably at realizing when the other wishes to contribute, instead my brain gets so caught up in thinking that I monologue and as such leaves my "partner" feeling frustrated and probably "disrespected". I can assure you that this is not my intention, though it seems that I have no clue when someone wishes to say something, resulting in them feeling like I don't care to hear their viewpoint. Overall, making others assume that I don't care what they think. I like to think I am a good listener though I realize I take it literally. I listen and can recall what people share though I don't actually "hear" what they mean. It really hurts as it is apparent I will always wonder when I leave someone if I heard them or not. Probably not and I will continue to feel like a failure and fear I came across as "self absorbed" to them.

Raw

I had a tough day or rather I have had a typical day where I feel I am about to blow. If you are an aspie, I know you can relate. Growing up my family used to claim I was a bomb about to blow at any given time. Truth is my parents and my siblings could not relate and hence judged instead of trying to understand. I didn't blow at of nowhere, I had had enough. I used to feel like it was so unfair, as if they couldn't get it, I had done my best to act as they all expected me to and as soon as I fell to please them, I would be shamed hence I would lose it, as I felt it was unfair. I simply did not understand how they could reproach me, I had obviously made a mistake. On the scheme of things, to me it felt it was nothing in comparison to all I had done by controlling myself. Anyhow, I wish to share my own triggers. Sensory: sometime it is too much, like being in a restaurant, I can't help it, I hear 3-4 conversations around me, plus the noise in the kitchen, so yes, it is hard for me to concentrate on our conversation, in which I am supposed to contribute (though let me guess, many would say, we don't contribute but monopolize). Though if you asked my two closed acquaintances, with whom at go to breakfast on a somehow regular basis (my need for a routine), they would say I appear distracted as on the opposite, I won't answer and seem in a haze. Well, I feel overwhelmed, the noise is too much for me to concentrate and I swear I am not intentionally ignoring them.
I hate being touched or even can't stand the feel of some fabrics on my skin and I especially hate being touched on my face. Can't explain it. Hence, if someone even accidentally brush my shoulder, I feel off balance, I have an immediate need to be brushed against my opposite shoulder (all about balance, equilibrium). Now, my face is a far different matter, can't explain it better than simply say it feels as if there is a remnant trace from the other's touch (Gross yuck). Yep, you guess it, I wear same clothes since I can afford my own clothes. If find a piece of clothing that feels right, I must buy several (as I don't know when I may find another, plus I like to have another one for peace of mind, probably my need to be prepared or rather feel as I am as I am often not but rather all over).
Jokes are another matter, I don't get most jokes. So what? First, I find most jokes really stupid hence it almost seems to me now that I think further about it, as if joke teller think I am (audience) stupid enough to waste my intellect on it. Seriously?! Most jokes don't make any sense and are not any logical. Second, in my opinion, jokes are hypocritical, they appear to deflate something that is really mattering. So why not say the truth?
Polite talk makes no sense to me so why do I have to be subjected and obligated to reply by same? Instance, how was your weekend? none of your business (unless I volunteer the information, I find it intrusive and really what is it to you). If I don't ask, it is because I really don't care, it is your business. If I care, I will inquire as I hope to hear you had a great time. Otherwise, I assume you would discuss it.
Today was one of these days, that seems long and overwhelming. People who care, expressed that I was making them feel uncomfortable due to my high anxiety. I felt on edge and off all day and I am committed to change for the better, I elected to face my fears and finally determined at should do something to ground me. I went to yoga, there I was reminded of the power of mantras. I tried to let go of my racing thoughts and anxiety, as I tried to concentrate on just completing this one class, one position at a time while telling myself over and over "I am okay" and "I will be okay". It is a start and I am convinced that being aware of our problems, whether feeling irritated and or overwhelmed is the first step though the recovery step is addressing it by electing to redirect our emotions. I felt so overwhelmed, as if I would lose it real bad so by doing yoga to redirect my body and mind, forced me to address how I felt out of my skin. Is it easy to redirect our thoughts or stop overthinking, nope though trying by actually doing something different is better than saying you will do it soon. Did I feel like going to yoga? Nope, but I forced myself to go and I had the pleasure to experience the power of redirecting my emotions.

I can't control always how I feel, I can however elect to refrain from letting my emotions ravage me. I acknowledged I felt powerless through my inability to control my emotions so by not giving up and instead "forcing" myself to do a yoga class, I redirected my mind. My goal was for an hour to get out of my head. Did I succeed? Not entirely, though I was able to concentrate enough on doing the positions while repeating this powerful and positive mantra: "I am okay" to get out of my overthinking and out of control mind for an hour.

PS: it is now passed 10:30 pm and I just realized that I ate absolutely nothing all day. I just had a cup of tea this morning and sipped on another cup through afternoon. Am I hungry? I am not sure. I am sharing this so you know it is not an eating disorder, we simply forget. I also tend to get so overwhelmed that I don't even drink water all day. Bad? Yep, I know it though I can't help, I get so overwhelmed that I am not even in touch with my needs for hydration or nourishment. I did the same two days ago though I forced myself to eat 4 eggs and brie cheese omelette after 9pm as I realized I had eaten nothing.