Raw

I had a tough day or rather I have had a typical day where I feel I am about to blow. If you are an aspie, I know you can relate. Growing up my family used to claim I was a bomb about to blow at any given time. Truth is my parents and my siblings could not relate and hence judged instead of trying to understand. I didn't blow at of nowhere, I had had enough. I used to feel like it was so unfair, as if they couldn't get it, I had done my best to act as they all expected me to and as soon as I fell to please them, I would be shamed hence I would lose it, as I felt it was unfair. I simply did not understand how they could reproach me, I had obviously made a mistake. On the scheme of things, to me it felt it was nothing in comparison to all I had done by controlling myself. Anyhow, I wish to share my own triggers. Sensory: sometime it is too much, like being in a restaurant, I can't help it, I hear 3-4 conversations around me, plus the noise in the kitchen, so yes, it is hard for me to concentrate on our conversation, in which I am supposed to contribute (though let me guess, many would say, we don't contribute but monopolize). Though if you asked my two closed acquaintances, with whom at go to breakfast on a somehow regular basis (my need for a routine), they would say I appear distracted as on the opposite, I won't answer and seem in a haze. Well, I feel overwhelmed, the noise is too much for me to concentrate and I swear I am not intentionally ignoring them.
I hate being touched or even can't stand the feel of some fabrics on my skin and I especially hate being touched on my face. Can't explain it. Hence, if someone even accidentally brush my shoulder, I feel off balance, I have an immediate need to be brushed against my opposite shoulder (all about balance, equilibrium). Now, my face is a far different matter, can't explain it better than simply say it feels as if there is a remnant trace from the other's touch (Gross yuck). Yep, you guess it, I wear same clothes since I can afford my own clothes. If find a piece of clothing that feels right, I must buy several (as I don't know when I may find another, plus I like to have another one for peace of mind, probably my need to be prepared or rather feel as I am as I am often not but rather all over).
Jokes are another matter, I don't get most jokes. So what? First, I find most jokes really stupid hence it almost seems to me now that I think further about it, as if joke teller think I am (audience) stupid enough to waste my intellect on it. Seriously?! Most jokes don't make any sense and are not any logical. Second, in my opinion, jokes are hypocritical, they appear to deflate something that is really mattering. So why not say the truth?
Polite talk makes no sense to me so why do I have to be subjected and obligated to reply by same? Instance, how was your weekend? none of your business (unless I volunteer the information, I find it intrusive and really what is it to you). If I don't ask, it is because I really don't care, it is your business. If I care, I will inquire as I hope to hear you had a great time. Otherwise, I assume you would discuss it.
Today was one of these days, that seems long and overwhelming. People who care, expressed that I was making them feel uncomfortable due to my high anxiety. I felt on edge and off all day and I am committed to change for the better, I elected to face my fears and finally determined at should do something to ground me. I went to yoga, there I was reminded of the power of mantras. I tried to let go of my racing thoughts and anxiety, as I tried to concentrate on just completing this one class, one position at a time while telling myself over and over "I am okay" and "I will be okay". It is a start and I am convinced that being aware of our problems, whether feeling irritated and or overwhelmed is the first step though the recovery step is addressing it by electing to redirect our emotions. I felt so overwhelmed, as if I would lose it real bad so by doing yoga to redirect my body and mind, forced me to address how I felt out of my skin. Is it easy to redirect our thoughts or stop overthinking, nope though trying by actually doing something different is better than saying you will do it soon. Did I feel like going to yoga? Nope, but I forced myself to go and I had the pleasure to experience the power of redirecting my emotions.

I can't control always how I feel, I can however elect to refrain from letting my emotions ravage me. I acknowledged I felt powerless through my inability to control my emotions so by not giving up and instead "forcing" myself to do a yoga class, I redirected my mind. My goal was for an hour to get out of my head. Did I succeed? Not entirely, though I was able to concentrate enough on doing the positions while repeating this powerful and positive mantra: "I am okay" to get out of my overthinking and out of control mind for an hour.

PS: it is now passed 10:30 pm and I just realized that I ate absolutely nothing all day. I just had a cup of tea this morning and sipped on another cup through afternoon. Am I hungry? I am not sure. I am sharing this so you know it is not an eating disorder, we simply forget. I also tend to get so overwhelmed that I don't even drink water all day. Bad? Yep, I know it though I can't help, I get so overwhelmed that I am not even in touch with my needs for hydration or nourishment. I did the same two days ago though I forced myself to eat 4 eggs and brie cheese omelette after 9pm as I realized I had eaten nothing.