Insomnia

Since little, I can recall my lack of sleep and struggle to fall asleep. My father gifted me with a clip lamp, I would stay up - at times all night, recall my father coming in to wake me and my sister for school, while I would panic as I realized I hadn't slept as instead had stayed up all night reading - then as I entered high school, I tried various medications though to no avail. I felt exhausted though could not shut my brain off. It would be going over the details of the day, I would analyze over and over my behavior and try to make sense of others' responses to my own. How do I know? My doctor at the time suggested when could not sleep though exhausted that I write down whatever was on my mind. At times, as I had stayed up 2 nights in a row (tended to be my pattern then crashed next night for a few hours), I would be so exhausted though it seemed as if my brain would not literally turn off. So I'd write as suggested, I was surprised in morning to read over my notes. Not only was my writing all over as if to illustrate how zombie like I felt, what I wrote was "disturbing" in my view. I had obsessed over my whole day, describing my anxieties of being rejected by others as I felt so inadequate and struggled to interact properly then I would assess their response and try to make sense of it. It did not make sense that my brain was going over my whole day, I would wonder why was I so obsessive. I attempted to convince myself that it made no sense except the lack of sleep made me delirious to the point of being obsessive. Truth is it would freak me out as I wondered what was wrong with me. I struggled each day at understanding others, while I also attempted to act somewhat how I suspected they expected me to. Then I had to face my fears all over again, it seems to be so unfair. A vicious cycle. Trying to demonstrate how frustrated I felt with my inability to fall asleep even though I felt exhausted, I would call my dad's office every hour of the night and leave a voicemail where I would relate my frustrating and painful ordeal. My father kept saying that he had suffered from insomnia too at times, I clung to this idea as a means to make sense: perhaps it was genetic, simply out of my control.
As I grew more accustomed to my sleepless nights and felt helpless staying up and unable to find sleep: I found two ways of passing time. I either would read (often finishing book and realizing I still wasn't remotely sleepy), or I would go on night adventures around town. I would walk endlessly it seems through the streets in the dark (which seems to be my friend, nobody could see me and judge me). Many nights, I walked along the quais along the Seine (my favorite spot l' ile de la cité) and or would walk from the left bank to Montmartre, where it seems there was nocturnal life. I feel I romanticized my insomnia: I used to tell myself I would stay up at night as it was safe for me to live. Everyone surrounding me seem to be deep asleep, hence no longer a threat to me - they could not judge me - I was free from their gaze. I felt safe in the darkness. On weekends, I would stay in bed from mid morning to mid afternoon, as to avoid the day light and especially having to interact with people.
Today, I am 32 years old and my insomnia has still persisted, I simply adjusted to it by convincing myself that people that sleep less than the 8 hours so glamorized by so called health studies, may live longer and not experience negative side effects from the lack of sleep. However, I must say I am so frustrated that I feel as if I come alive as soon as dark outside. It feels so wrong, I mean I comprehend that night time is commonly associated with sleep though I can't seem to fall asleep until early in the morning. I don't take naps as I fear it would only make my sleep pattern worse.
One advantage though of staying up late at night, is I call my relatives abroad in France as 7 hours ahead there. I often call as my father is at work and he seems always surprised to hear that it is 1, 2 or 3 am here though he does not seem surprised to hear I am not sleeping nor that I still haven't fallen asleep. He tends to tell me: "try to get some sleep" which honestly infuriates me as I am thinking to myself, what do you think I have been trying to do for the last few hours. Plus, doesn't he know by now that I call him as it is like a pattern from my teenage years when I would call his office to leave a voicemail to share my exhaustion and my inability to fall asleep. I comprehend, he probably thinks he is showing support through his words, though I can't help but find these words useless and rather frustrating. Also, I comprehend that my active behavior such as making a call, may suggest I am not trying to induce sleep though I can assure you after turning around in bed for 3 hours and obsessing over the time of possible and so desired of sleep left, which seems now so diminished is too much. So I get up, read, do sudoku, journal especially if meditation and songs fell to soothe me.

This is just a theory, which I cannot support scientifically though I wonder at times if perhaps, my brain is wired also differently as to interpret darkness. I mean, I am sensitive to light, my eyes hurt though I grew accustomed to it since a child. Is it that my brain is saying, it is dark now and it is now the proper time for you to be active: you are safe of others, make the most of it.

In the past year, I tried various  sleeping aids with the assistance of my psychiatrist, I must admit one seem to work though I fear becoming addicted so only seldom used it. "Xanax" appears to put me to sleep within 20 min though it also keeps me out for 10 hours if not more. Almost, as if my body is saying it is finally getting the rest it has been craving and will ensure I catch up. Well, it throws my whole routine off. Plus, I fear I will only become more addicted to it as a sleeping aid. I really don't want to be dependent on a drug to get some snooze time. Hence, my trial and error at other means to help me fall asleep in the past few weeks. I will share my findings in another post.

In other words, it seems that for now "insomnia" is part of my life. I chose to share my experience with it, as in my attempts to find a cure for it, I came to understand it is a common problem many of us "Aspies" struggle with since childhood, and I want others like I to know that they are not alone.