Anxiety

As a child, I was constantly asked to drop my shoulders and to smile. As a young adult, I was told by many I was anxious and that my anxiety was palpable. Truth be said, I had no idea what they were referring to. I didn't understand, I wasn't anxious. I could be watching TV with family or friends and was often told: "try to relax", "you are so tense"... In my mind, I didn't know what they were talking about. I was persuaded that I was not anxious, I was relaxed, I was watching TV, isn't that what being relaxed is? I was certain I was not anxious as I felt fine.

Until last spring, I had no idea what anxiety was, I lived it and had absolutely no idea that I was. My psychiatrist gained my trust and I agreed to take some medication. While I had to go on very low dose as too sensitive to medication, after a few weeks, I felt as if I didn't respond the way I normally would about things. I felt as if things didn't affect me as much. Then I had to cease the medication as side effects came to be too much, however, I felt my "anxiety" again though now I knew that this "feeling" was indeed "anxiety". As I felt I was in better control of my emotions under the effect of the medication, felt I was no longer or at least less controlled by my own emotions, I elected to return on the medication though at a lower dose. Unfortunately, the side effects worsen ultimately leading to internal bleeding. I am officially off since early fall and while I am no longer under any medication, I know one thing: "anxiety" is what I lived with my whole life. I now understand that I don't have to live with it everyday. The medication temporarily took it away and made me aware that I could live differently. 

I worked on understanding what were my stressors as I still can't control my emotions though can feel myself about to explode. If I feel something to be too much, I elect to tell others surrounding me how I feel and as such excuse myself as to avoid reacting to my emotions. This may sound like it is easy though I can assure it is NOT. Someone came up with the idea that a keyword could be a way for me to let them know that it is becoming too much. Since, I feel I am about to snap, I say I feel "snappy". 

This past month, I decided to aim to live less affected by anxiety. I am hoping to accomplish it by trials and errors. I recently started doing yoga and meditation as means to control my anxiety and understanding better myself as I learn to accept myself as I am.