Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

According to researches, individuals with Asperger's tend to have higher anxiety than most people. To quote from Asperger syndrome and anxiety - a guide to successful stress management: "In the general literature on Asperger's, researchers agree anxiety is a major issue for our population." (chap. 1) I confess I have been diagnosed with two anxiety disorders, beside Asperger's and I also have been diagnosed as suffering from Post-Traumatic stress disorder. Anxiety is something I struggled to accept and understand. I am still trying to shed more lights on it for myself. To put this in layman's terms, I struggle to comprehend the feeling of being anxious, worried about everything was not something all surrounding me experienced. I didn't see it as a problem, I mean I have always been that way. Hence, when others would say "you need to relax", "you are too tensed, just relax", I didn't understand. I use to think "what are they talking about? I am fine, I am relax, I am just watching TV."

As I recently was diagnosed, I was informed by the doctor that I suffer from two anxiety disorders. I confess I thought it was a joke. I mean, I have always been that way, worrying about everything. I recall being a child and worrying daily about everything including the reactions of others to my behavior or words, being aware that my parents may die hence wishing I would see them at end of day... Now, I am told not all worry that way, that something is wrong with I: I have anxiety, a disorder. I don't mean to say that most don't experience some form of anxiety, such as stress, though I mean, Anxiety as it dominates my life. As in, I felt I have lived my life in fear (which is often what I have said to friends and family to express how I felt). Reality hit me hard. As you can imagine and comprehend (if familiar with Asperger), I had to understand everything about it before agreeing to just take medication to fix my anxiety. I wanted to know what is anxiety, how does it affect my body, is it harmful to others around me, how do I treat it... I admit I have an abhorrence to taking medication for anything as I comprehend many medications hide side effects. Worst in my opinion, if I need to take medication on a regular basis, how will it affect me on the long run. So here I am, I sought out information, I just acquired a book on the matter: "Asperger syndrome and anxiety - a guide to successful stress management" by Nick Dubin. I just read the first chapter. I am not going to give you a summary though I simply wish to share views as it made me rethink things. 

I comprehend now that I suffer from anxiety, I also know I have PTSD from my unusual childhood (my mother is an alcoholic and was a mean drunk - verbally and physically). Anyhow, I want to get better, I don't want to keep hearing from others: "chill", "just relax"... it really ticks me off, rubs me on the wrong side. 

Anxiety is something that is consuming me. I don't want to be on "flight mode" ready to "fight" all the time. I feel constantly exhausted. I want to live life instead of living in constant fear. I suppose I want to learn to enjoy life, stop worrying about every little things. 

I understand now that individuals with Asperger's are more likely to be affected by anxiety and even develop PTSD as we struggle to understand certain traumatic experiences. We replay them and fear it will happen again. I admit I tend to assume it something occurs once, it is more likely to reoccur. As most people made me feel shamed, I assume others will to. As a result, I chose to withdraw to survive and avoid feeling shamed for my awkward social behavior. 

Anger and frustration or simply tired?

Since my recent official diagnose, I feel not only overwhelmed, sad and angry: I feel as if now I can be understood. However, I do admit I can't help but feel a bit irritated at the whole world. I was blamed, shamed for my odd behavior though now it feels so unjust: I didn't act oddly on purpose. I feel as if I have been wronged by so many including my own family who made me feel shamed and at odd. I resent society for trying so hard to fit me into a mold as to make me like most. In many aspects, we are all different, no doubt about it though I can't help but think and feel as if individuals who are part of any minorities feel left out to fend for themselves. I may have a lot going on for myself: I am alive, live in a country well above poverty, I have all my limbs though not to sound "depressed" or "selfish",  I can't help feeling not necessarily "sorry for myself" but rather feel "wronged" by many. Over the years, as I became my own adult, I expressed or rather attempted to express how I felt: at odd with others. I would tell over and over my dad that I felt so different, I knew since little I didn't fit, I wasn't like others around me, though over and over his answer was: "we know you are different, you are gifted, people who are smart don't do so well socially, it's part of it." Though, his words didn't make me feel any better rather offended me. I felt I was hushed. I was told "stop "complaining"" you are smarter than most and you should feel proud of it. I didn't. I felt I was handicapped, I felt lonely as I felt I couldn't connect with others and even worse relate. I felt at odd and I couldn't quite understand why. I blamed myself, hearing that mean voice in my head saying: "can't you be like others", "what is wrong with you", "why can't you feel what others feel", "why don't you relate" ... Today, I feel I can't complain as really on scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. I am after all very fortunate, I have no real problem. I am not starving in a poor country, watching my loved ones die as I am helpless to save them... However, I think that why it is relative how one feels, I think that any individual strikes to fit with his peers. Knowing and feeling different may not be the worst thing in the scheme of things, though it is certainly painful to internalize. I wish growing up that I was stupid so I would not care nor be aware of my difference. Instead, while I do feel some sort of relief with finally fitting somewhere: I wasn't crazy, I am different: I have asperger hence I do struggle on a daily basis, I feel as if I have been hit with a heavy burden. I can no longer hope that my behavior will pass, it is not an immature phase, I won't ever truly get over my social handicap. I don't have the tools, I lack the capacity to recognize social cues. I may learn to fake it more or learn to bite my tongue more as not to come across as too blunt and hence offensive to some, though I will never truly be allowed to be myself. I will always be labelled as "she is different", she has asperger so she is not like us. I will never be allowed to be me, a person who feels differently, I will be a person who is odd, misunderstood and too often judged harshly as others don't care to comprehend how I feel. I wish I could trade place for one day with many so they could feel how I feel on a daily basis. I am certain many would not last: they would feel overwhelmed. Instead, I know I have been shun over and over, and will struggle as I realize many won't ever understand and relate as I can't fantom the idea of being able to relate to others.
In retrospect, I feel more exhausted than angry, I feel I have been wronged though I also comprehend I am more tired as I feel I am constantly struggling to function. I want to believe that as time goes by and as I come to accept who I am: I can learn to accept myself and be kind to myself as I forgive others for not knowing any better about individuals like I.
I admit though that the idea of being "stupid" feels like it may feel like bliss: I wouldn't care.