Since my recent official diagnose, I feel not only overwhelmed, sad and angry: I feel as if now I can be understood. However, I do admit I can't help but feel a bit irritated at the whole world. I was blamed, shamed for my odd behavior though now it feels so unjust: I didn't act oddly on purpose. I feel as if I have been wronged by so many including my own family who made me feel shamed and at odd. I resent society for trying so hard to fit me into a mold as to make me like most. In many aspects, we are all different, no doubt about it though I can't help but think and feel as if individuals who are part of any minorities feel left out to fend for themselves. I may have a lot going on for myself: I am alive, live in a country well above poverty, I have all my limbs though not to sound "depressed" or "selfish", I can't help feeling not necessarily "sorry for myself" but rather feel "wronged" by many. Over the years, as I became my own adult, I expressed or rather attempted to express how I felt: at odd with others. I would tell over and over my dad that I felt so different, I knew since little I didn't fit, I wasn't like others around me, though over and over his answer was: "we know you are different, you are gifted, people who are smart don't do so well socially, it's part of it." Though, his words didn't make me feel any better rather offended me. I felt I was hushed. I was told "stop "complaining"" you are smarter than most and you should feel proud of it. I didn't. I felt I was handicapped, I felt lonely as I felt I couldn't connect with others and even worse relate. I felt at odd and I couldn't quite understand why. I blamed myself, hearing that mean voice in my head saying: "can't you be like others", "what is wrong with you", "why can't you feel what others feel", "why don't you relate" ... Today, I feel I can't complain as really on scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. I am after all very fortunate, I have no real problem. I am not starving in a poor country, watching my loved ones die as I am helpless to save them... However, I think that why it is relative how one feels, I think that any individual strikes to fit with his peers. Knowing and feeling different may not be the worst thing in the scheme of things, though it is certainly painful to internalize. I wish growing up that I was stupid so I would not care nor be aware of my difference. Instead, while I do feel some sort of relief with finally fitting somewhere: I wasn't crazy, I am different: I have asperger hence I do struggle on a daily basis, I feel as if I have been hit with a heavy burden. I can no longer hope that my behavior will pass, it is not an immature phase, I won't ever truly get over my social handicap. I don't have the tools, I lack the capacity to recognize social cues. I may learn to fake it more or learn to bite my tongue more as not to come across as too blunt and hence offensive to some, though I will never truly be allowed to be myself. I will always be labelled as "she is different", she has asperger so she is not like us. I will never be allowed to be me, a person who feels differently, I will be a person who is odd, misunderstood and too often judged harshly as others don't care to comprehend how I feel. I wish I could trade place for one day with many so they could feel how I feel on a daily basis. I am certain many would not last: they would feel overwhelmed. Instead, I know I have been shun over and over, and will struggle as I realize many won't ever understand and relate as I can't fantom the idea of being able to relate to others.
In retrospect, I feel more exhausted than angry, I feel I have been wronged though I also comprehend I am more tired as I feel I am constantly struggling to function. I want to believe that as time goes by and as I come to accept who I am: I can learn to accept myself and be kind to myself as I forgive others for not knowing any better about individuals like I.
I admit though that the idea of being "stupid" feels like it may feel like bliss: I wouldn't care.
No comments:
Post a Comment