I will be 39 this year. Reality is I never feel like my age. I feel like a kid trying to act just as I felt growing up. I still try to imitate how people/characters act on TV.
For the past few years, I have been trying to convince myself that I can suppress my reality. I struggle being in a relationship, I always have. I want to be close to someone but I really don’t. Relationships are hard for me. I feel drained when I interact with others. Every relationship I had and have, I can’t share a room as I hate being that close to anyone.
Most time, my narrative lurks as I wonder about the fact that I don’t think I am meant to be in a relationship. If I was to be honest, I hate relationships as I struggle to care for the other party. It feels unnatural to be in a relationship and at same time, I feel like I convinced myself I want one. I think I want to feel loved but feel incapable of feeling loved.
How do I tell anyone that without sounding cold. Actually, I do love though the recipient or recipients are not human. My dogs were the first beings that made me feel like I had a family, I feel that unconditional love for them which I have never experienced with any of my family. I would do anything for any animal. My animals taught me I was capable to feel love. I never felt this way with any human. I can’t help but think what is wrong with me. What if the truth is I am unable to love anyone? If I was to be honest, I hate relationships. I feel this obligation to care when really I don’t. I feel guilt as I know it is wrong so I try to care. It’s like I am damaged and unable to reciprocate people’s feelings.
