Insomnia

Since little, I can recall my lack of sleep and struggle to fall asleep. My father gifted me with a clip lamp, I would stay up - at times all night, recall my father coming in to wake me and my sister for school, while I would panic as I realized I hadn't slept as instead had stayed up all night reading - then as I entered high school, I tried various medications though to no avail. I felt exhausted though could not shut my brain off. It would be going over the details of the day, I would analyze over and over my behavior and try to make sense of others' responses to my own. How do I know? My doctor at the time suggested when could not sleep though exhausted that I write down whatever was on my mind. At times, as I had stayed up 2 nights in a row (tended to be my pattern then crashed next night for a few hours), I would be so exhausted though it seemed as if my brain would not literally turn off. So I'd write as suggested, I was surprised in morning to read over my notes. Not only was my writing all over as if to illustrate how zombie like I felt, what I wrote was "disturbing" in my view. I had obsessed over my whole day, describing my anxieties of being rejected by others as I felt so inadequate and struggled to interact properly then I would assess their response and try to make sense of it. It did not make sense that my brain was going over my whole day, I would wonder why was I so obsessive. I attempted to convince myself that it made no sense except the lack of sleep made me delirious to the point of being obsessive. Truth is it would freak me out as I wondered what was wrong with me. I struggled each day at understanding others, while I also attempted to act somewhat how I suspected they expected me to. Then I had to face my fears all over again, it seems to be so unfair. A vicious cycle. Trying to demonstrate how frustrated I felt with my inability to fall asleep even though I felt exhausted, I would call my dad's office every hour of the night and leave a voicemail where I would relate my frustrating and painful ordeal. My father kept saying that he had suffered from insomnia too at times, I clung to this idea as a means to make sense: perhaps it was genetic, simply out of my control.
As I grew more accustomed to my sleepless nights and felt helpless staying up and unable to find sleep: I found two ways of passing time. I either would read (often finishing book and realizing I still wasn't remotely sleepy), or I would go on night adventures around town. I would walk endlessly it seems through the streets in the dark (which seems to be my friend, nobody could see me and judge me). Many nights, I walked along the quais along the Seine (my favorite spot l' ile de la cité) and or would walk from the left bank to Montmartre, where it seems there was nocturnal life. I feel I romanticized my insomnia: I used to tell myself I would stay up at night as it was safe for me to live. Everyone surrounding me seem to be deep asleep, hence no longer a threat to me - they could not judge me - I was free from their gaze. I felt safe in the darkness. On weekends, I would stay in bed from mid morning to mid afternoon, as to avoid the day light and especially having to interact with people.
Today, I am 32 years old and my insomnia has still persisted, I simply adjusted to it by convincing myself that people that sleep less than the 8 hours so glamorized by so called health studies, may live longer and not experience negative side effects from the lack of sleep. However, I must say I am so frustrated that I feel as if I come alive as soon as dark outside. It feels so wrong, I mean I comprehend that night time is commonly associated with sleep though I can't seem to fall asleep until early in the morning. I don't take naps as I fear it would only make my sleep pattern worse.
One advantage though of staying up late at night, is I call my relatives abroad in France as 7 hours ahead there. I often call as my father is at work and he seems always surprised to hear that it is 1, 2 or 3 am here though he does not seem surprised to hear I am not sleeping nor that I still haven't fallen asleep. He tends to tell me: "try to get some sleep" which honestly infuriates me as I am thinking to myself, what do you think I have been trying to do for the last few hours. Plus, doesn't he know by now that I call him as it is like a pattern from my teenage years when I would call his office to leave a voicemail to share my exhaustion and my inability to fall asleep. I comprehend, he probably thinks he is showing support through his words, though I can't help but find these words useless and rather frustrating. Also, I comprehend that my active behavior such as making a call, may suggest I am not trying to induce sleep though I can assure you after turning around in bed for 3 hours and obsessing over the time of possible and so desired of sleep left, which seems now so diminished is too much. So I get up, read, do sudoku, journal especially if meditation and songs fell to soothe me.

This is just a theory, which I cannot support scientifically though I wonder at times if perhaps, my brain is wired also differently as to interpret darkness. I mean, I am sensitive to light, my eyes hurt though I grew accustomed to it since a child. Is it that my brain is saying, it is dark now and it is now the proper time for you to be active: you are safe of others, make the most of it.

In the past year, I tried various  sleeping aids with the assistance of my psychiatrist, I must admit one seem to work though I fear becoming addicted so only seldom used it. "Xanax" appears to put me to sleep within 20 min though it also keeps me out for 10 hours if not more. Almost, as if my body is saying it is finally getting the rest it has been craving and will ensure I catch up. Well, it throws my whole routine off. Plus, I fear I will only become more addicted to it as a sleeping aid. I really don't want to be dependent on a drug to get some snooze time. Hence, my trial and error at other means to help me fall asleep in the past few weeks. I will share my findings in another post.

In other words, it seems that for now "insomnia" is part of my life. I chose to share my experience with it, as in my attempts to find a cure for it, I came to understand it is a common problem many of us "Aspies" struggle with since childhood, and I want others like I to know that they are not alone.

Anxiety

As a child, I was constantly asked to drop my shoulders and to smile. As a young adult, I was told by many I was anxious and that my anxiety was palpable. Truth be said, I had no idea what they were referring to. I didn't understand, I wasn't anxious. I could be watching TV with family or friends and was often told: "try to relax", "you are so tense"... In my mind, I didn't know what they were talking about. I was persuaded that I was not anxious, I was relaxed, I was watching TV, isn't that what being relaxed is? I was certain I was not anxious as I felt fine.

Until last spring, I had no idea what anxiety was, I lived it and had absolutely no idea that I was. My psychiatrist gained my trust and I agreed to take some medication. While I had to go on very low dose as too sensitive to medication, after a few weeks, I felt as if I didn't respond the way I normally would about things. I felt as if things didn't affect me as much. Then I had to cease the medication as side effects came to be too much, however, I felt my "anxiety" again though now I knew that this "feeling" was indeed "anxiety". As I felt I was in better control of my emotions under the effect of the medication, felt I was no longer or at least less controlled by my own emotions, I elected to return on the medication though at a lower dose. Unfortunately, the side effects worsen ultimately leading to internal bleeding. I am officially off since early fall and while I am no longer under any medication, I know one thing: "anxiety" is what I lived with my whole life. I now understand that I don't have to live with it everyday. The medication temporarily took it away and made me aware that I could live differently. 

I worked on understanding what were my stressors as I still can't control my emotions though can feel myself about to explode. If I feel something to be too much, I elect to tell others surrounding me how I feel and as such excuse myself as to avoid reacting to my emotions. This may sound like it is easy though I can assure it is NOT. Someone came up with the idea that a keyword could be a way for me to let them know that it is becoming too much. Since, I feel I am about to snap, I say I feel "snappy". 

This past month, I decided to aim to live less affected by anxiety. I am hoping to accomplish it by trials and errors. I recently started doing yoga and meditation as means to control my anxiety and understanding better myself as I learn to accept myself as I am. 

Relationships

Many think I am incapable of forming genuine relationship with others. Though, I know that they are incorrect. I struggle maintaining relationships including "friendships" as I find people to be too unpredictable. Truth is I respect and trust animals more than humans because it seems to me that humans more so than being unpredictable are also unreliable. I strongly feel I can understand animals better as their behaviors are intrinsic, therefore "honest". People appear to hide their "true" motive, they may be sad and or angry but they can pretend otherwise. This is so confusing as I don't see why one has to constantly fake it as to satisfy their own or others' ego. I am often told that I am too blunt. Am I really? Or am I saying out loud what others think though are instructed to shush as improper to comment upon. For instance; I strongly dislike when others inquire "how I am doing". For one thing, most people who say it, say it nonchalantly and only for good etiquette. Does the cashier really care about what is going on with me? Does the waiter care to hear all about my life's "tragedies"? Perhaps, I don't feel well, or I am dealing with overwhelming grief over the loss of a loved one (most likely a pet)... or do they care to hear how I am feeling confused since I woke up in the morning and or feel frustrated how others in the line are being so obnoxious or that the noise in the restaurant or store is literally annoying me to the point I wish I could be "deaf" for a few moment as to think straight? Hence my point, it is so hypocritical to ask such "intrusive" question. I don't ask others how they are doing as truly I don't care, I comprehend they have their own issues and if they wanted to volunteer any of it, they would. Also, let clarify that I tend to think that despite my personal and selfish though real internal and emotional struggle, I feel prompted to respond "Of course, I am fine". I mean aren't we fine? We are spoiled.... I think to myself, I am not handicapped, I am not losing a child to an incurable illness, nor am I being witness to atrocities around me. Hence, even if for an instant I felt I was dealing with too much such as a loss of a loved one, isn't it the cycle of life and what would you respond to such if we are simply strangers? As even if any one cares enough to follow up with you in the next few days...

The people that got to know me and accept me, know now better than to ask me questions about my personal life. I hate it. First, I find it intrusive and second unless I discuss it and tell you all about it in a monologue, I don't want to discuss it as I wish to escape my own thoughts.

Finally, let's be real. Why ask each other questions to which you do not want to hear the answer? Hence, I tend to warn others that I am blunt and while it seems refreshing as most comment, it can hurt, though I am only showing them respect by answering them bluntly. For instance, I hate when some ask "do you think I am fat?", first if you ask, it is probably because it is on your mind and second, you hope that I will assure you otherwise as to reassure you. Though, would I be doing you justice and demonstrate you respect by lying to you. So if you can't accept the answer I may provide you, please do not ask me such questions.

Finally,  I acknowledge that I struggle to maintain relationships with others though I also no longer care to try. My past experiences have taught me that many are judgmental and more so condemning and I no longer care to try to be loved by all. The people that will accept me as I am, are the ones I care to have around. Though let's clarify, I need my space and when very excited or anxious, I tend to be too much for many. Hence, I learned to avoid most social interactions as I find myself disappointed. The few that earned my trust, know that I care about them when I mean them no respect by saying I love them as much I think of them as my pets. I think very highly of my pets and in my words, this is truly the best compliment I can give them: I trust them and care unconditionally for them.