Lost of self

Truth be told, I am still struggling with coming to term with who I am. Part of me fears my future as I accept that most people think I am "weird" and as a result: it seems my inability to sustain relationships will persist. In other words, I must accept that I will not be understood by many, despite hoping throughout the years that one day I will "mature" and finally "catch up" to my peers as I wondered why I react so differently from others. On the other hand, I see it as a positive; there is a reason I always felt "different" and "inadequate" hence I was after all not "crazy".  Plus, it is not my fault, I am genetically different, it is not like I did something wrong to be the way I am. Growing up I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't like the others around me. I was constantly told I was "weird" or a "freak" by my peers, then at home it seems that my parents sided with the enemies by reminding why couldn't I just be "normal" like the other kids of my age. So I knew something was definitely off with me though I thought it was "my fault", like why couldn't I act like everyone else (that's what I heard over and over throughout my existence). Now I comprehend it isn't something I did or rather things I don't do. I can't help it, my behavior is odd though not so odd to others like myself. Part of me feels "relief" from knowing I am not alone, there are others like myself. On another hand, I wish I could feel like most feel. I genuinely wish I could feel what my siblings feel in regards to my parents, or what people feel when they care about someone (intimate relationships), instead I am told "I am cold" though I have a big heart. I struggle to relate to others and as such I feel frustrated and lonely. My inability to pick up subtleties during communication with others is more than just frustrating; it feels like I am a failure. I feel "guilty" as I can't seem to "respect" the view point of my discussion partner. "Discussion" refers to "two" from "di" and I seem to fail miserably at realizing when the other wishes to contribute, instead my brain gets so caught up in thinking that I monologue and as such leaves my "partner" feeling frustrated and probably "disrespected". I can assure you that this is not my intention, though it seems that I have no clue when someone wishes to say something, resulting in them feeling like I don't care to hear their viewpoint. Overall, making others assume that I don't care what they think. I like to think I am a good listener though I realize I take it literally. I listen and can recall what people share though I don't actually "hear" what they mean. It really hurts as it is apparent I will always wonder when I leave someone if I heard them or not. Probably not and I will continue to feel like a failure and fear I came across as "self absorbed" to them.