Fear

I can't sleep as my mind races with thoughts. I can't help but feel overwhelmed and "anxious" as I realize that this is my "normal", I will always worry about everything and feel like I do. I may become better at hiding it from others, though I know I will never stop feeling the way I do nor stop thinking the way I do. The truth is I am "depressed" since I was a teenager and I convince myself that I am alright. Part of me wants to believe that I can control my dark thoughts and anxiety by changing my train of thoughts. Another part of me knows that I will continue to experience the world the way I do: I will continue to feel lonely. As I attempt to maintain even one friendship, I feel exhausted as I try so hard to understand the other person. Truth is most of the time, I am confused and it leaves me feeling "stupid" and "inadequate", while reminding me that I am "different". What I don't tell people is how I fear I will never experience life the way they do. My pets are on the bed by my side, I could not imagine a better surrounding. I may want one day to share my bed with another human though I know I can't, I need my space and I get so easily overwhelm when with someone else. The truth is I know I am not suited to be in a relationship with another human. I may want to though after a few hours, I just want and really "NEED" to be left alone. I am drained. What is wrong with me? I often wonder, though I know this is part of my condition, I feel it is unfair. I fear telling the ones close to me how I feel as I fear they would not understand and instead judge me. 

While my father understands that I have "autism" which explains to him my "odd" behavior since a child, I don't think he knows how lonely I feel and how scared I am of living. It won't ever get better, I am now 33 years old and I fear that for the rest of my life: I will continue to feel as I always felt since a child: "alone". I might find some comfort in knowing others out there are like me and hence I am not alone though I feel alone, each time I interact with another individual who does not share my neurological impairment. I wonder if one time, I will ever experience what others refer to "love". I don't know nor truly understand that type of emotion between humans. I care for my animals, in part I suspect it is because I understand them and so I can relate to them. While with people, I am at a loss, hence I can't even begin to pretend I feel a connection with them. So how can I even begin to say I "love" them. I "love" my parents and siblings as I know I should though I don't feel "it". I feel terrible about myself as I admit how I feel: I feel nothing toward them. I know I should care and I do in the sense that I must, though in truth I have no idea what it feels to actually care for my mom, my dad, my sister and or my brother. I wonder if I ever will come to feel a connection to any of them.