My reality

As much as I like to tell myself and others that I feel okay, I know it is partially a lie. Who wants to confess that they are not well with themselves, the way they are. I feel as if I have an obligation to partially pretend as "it could always be worse". I mean I don't have cancer, I have all my limbs... However, I also know that the truth is that I will always struggle with the way I think and feel. I feel very lonely most times especially as I interact with others. It becomes apparent that I cannot easily relate and I feel frustrated as I fail to communicate appropriately. I then wish I could feel and experience what others seem to describe. I feel sometimes so overwhelmed and desperate as I realize I am different and will continue to struggle. I feel as if I am selfish for saying I struggle as it seems that indeed by comparison to worst scenarios I am by far better off though it does not change the fact that I feel "off". I wish I could communicate better and really I could relate to others. I feel I have to fake it in order to survive in the world I live. I selfishly wish I could however have others experience just a day in my body and feel what I feel. My psychiatrist claims most people would be too overwhelmed and unable to handle it as contrary to individuals like myself, they didn't live and grow up with our condition (being sensitive to so much...). When I observe others, I can't help but wonder what it feels to "care" for another. I care though I can't say I understand how I feel if I even feel. I never had a need to hug another being except animals. I don't like touch and I certainly HATE feeling. I get so overwhelmed that sometime I can have a panic attack just from a hand shake. I feel betrayed by my body. I understand in an intellectual way what it is to love though I don't know if I truly understand it as I don't feel it. It is more like I know I must love my family though I don't know if I actually feel it like people do. I care and I don't, I feel bad being this way. I wish I could feel what makes people hug one another... Truth is most of my life I tried to react the way it seems I was expected to. I felt foreign. I recall how I felt inadequate around children my age and really around people my whole life. I felt so misunderstood by my own family. Instead I learned to act a certain way to avoid getting in trouble. I also tried to imitate what I saw on television. I still today act the way I think I should act according to situations that seem similar to ones I watched on television shows or movies. Sometime people will ask me why I acted that way and I will admit because I thought that is how people acted in that situation (based on my observation off a tv show or movie). Their response often confuses me as they say that what I see on tv and or movies is not "reality".