Guilt

I can't sleep as most nights, my mind is racing. Anyhow, I thought I'd write about something troubling me. In the past few months, I came to understand that for family members and closed ones like a spouse, it can be difficult to live with an "Aspie". By the way I dislike calling myself such as I don't believe it has to define me. It is already difficult to feel different than to label myself is even more punitive. Since being officially diagnosed and accepting the diagnosis, I can't help but feel guilt as whether I should reach out to the people I may have wronged by my behavior in the past. I was told by my ex-boyfriend that I never let him in. Well, I wonder if he would understand better now that I never "intended" to come across as such. I admit I already apologized to my parents as I comprehend it was not easy for them either. They didn't know how to interact with me. I shared with my dad how I felt (I felt I loved my pets more than them), I however reminded him how I appreciated every thing he did with us, whether him taking us to the museum or the zoo... While he commented how he was impressed by my memory, he seems to understand that I care though I am not good at demonstrating it. Though I must say, it is eating me to know that others may think I don't care about them, I can't say I don't, I do though I just don't feel the way I believe most people would feel. I don't want my parents or my family to think I don't care about them, I do, I simply don't connect with them. Same with my spouse. I feel guilt just thinking that my spouse does not feel loved by me, and that my parents wondered what was wrong with their child. It seems not fair, I wish I could connect with them and assure them that I care about them, I simply don't know if they get it as I don't understand myself how I feel and how they feel. It is so frustrating.