Like most nights, I fell asleep and woke up around midnight unable to fall back asleep. My mind restless, going over things I cannot explain. For instance, as sick as it may sound to many, I obsess over wars, why so many people had to die? What happen after we die? Is there an afterlife? Why live in a world that seems so painful? I can't help obsess over so many of these questions to which I cannot find a satisfying answer. I can't help but feel restless and part of the problem. I want answers, all I really want is to be part of a solution. I am certain many would jump to the conclusion that I am depressed by my thoughts though I am aware I don't have the most common thoughts. I worry about everything especially things that happened in the past, well before I was born. I simply cannot make sense of it. I "hate" that slavery happened, that wars happened and that as I am typing I am conscious somewhere in the world, there are others suffering. Some are affected by the loss or death of a loved one (whether in hospitals, as some lose their loved one to a long disease, or to a random freakish sudden accident, or even in third world where a parent may see its child die by lack of vaccination or nutrition...), or others are being victims to others under the influence of alcohol or drugs (children being beaten by a drunk parent, women being victims of rape or sex traffic), or even animals suffering (dogs being skinned alive in other countries, or cats and dogs being out there fending for themselves in the harsh weather and not finding food...). It simply makes no sense. It seems to me that this world can be "hell" though I want to hold so strongly to the belief that there is much more: "LOVE". To soothe myself, I tend to listen to the Righteous Brothers "Unchained Melody" or Louis Amstrong "It's a wonderful World".... I know I can't fix the world or prevent people from being humans and or avoid all the pain in the world. I suppose there has to be a balance though it bothers me to know I am part of such a world. I find wonders in the world, such as walking barefoot in warm sand or cut grass, listening to the wondrous chants of birds, watching my dogs interact in nature... there is lots of amazements out there. Though I still can't understand why "painful", "horrible" and especially "unjust" things have to happen. I worry about life and death. Why? I don't know.
In truth, I feel loss, as I feel I cannot tell others my worries as I fear being judged and seen as depressed. I don't feel depressed, I feel restless. I wish I could say that I am in bliss though I can't feel at peace when I feel I am spoiled while others out there are suffering. I wish I suppose I could save the world from within its destructions.
I wonder why do others like I are born this way, aware of death and pain, why are we so sensitive? Are we aware so we may try to fix it? Others around us seem to be wearing "sunglasses" protecting them from darkness. I am not saying others don't worry though they seem to worry about shallow things such as things that don't have a life or death condition. Are they not aware of others out in the world? Am I insane, crazy for the way my mind wonders and rather is aware of so many injustices out there? As much as there is a part of me that wish selfishly I would stop worry about the world, I am grateful I am aware that I am "privilege", I live in a "civilized" country, I am not being raped, I am not seeing my parents die of AIDS, nor am I seeing my child die of a lack of a vaccine or for lack of food. I don't lack food or water. I have a bed and many materialistic things that many would "kill" for. I am not complaining, I simply wish everyone could have the life I have except for my "weird" mind. I wish I could stop the horrible things out there, the suffering of innocents including animals.
It is now passed 2 am and I still cannot fix the world. Then why can't I accept it? Why do I wish so strongly I could fix the world? Make it fair for all to not ever suffer? Why do I think this way?
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