Up again

A couple days ago, as I struggled to fall asleep, I wondered "could Asperger's be linked to Insomnia". Since a child, I struggled with insomnia. I would stay up until early morning hours reading a book. I recall the time, my father came to wake us up to go to school and was surprised to see me up reading. I then worried that I hadn't slept. I hadn't noticed the time. I asked him if I would be bad, what would happen to me for not sleeping. He assured me I would be fine. I may simply feel tired throughout the day. My staying up late reading was a problem for my sister. Despite using a clip on light (we shared a bunk bed), she complained over the years that the light was bothering her. Truth is because of my insomnia and my love of books, I impressed my librarian with whom I rented out a book a day. 

Anyhow, wondering if insomnia is linked to Asperger's, well I think it is very plausible. Can my neurological disorder affect my ability to perceive and interpret sleeping relating cues in my environment. It seems almost as if at night, I come to life. In truth, as a teenager, I felt safer at night. I knew others were asleep while I was up. Is it my subconscious mind that tricks me in staying up as only time I feel safe to be me. Other possible factor I wonder, is my sensitivity to bright lights. I dislike the daylight as bright, could my eyes feel more comfortable in darkness so subconsciously my body is triggered to stay up as more comfortable in darker lights. 

Another thing that has been working my mind lately: "not everyone's brain work as fast as yours". How many times have I heard this. Seriously, let me please clarify: I hate such comment. What is it supposed to communicate? I view it as a hypocrite critic. I didn't ask for my brain to function differently. Now, I must "slow down" as if I knew how. I mean if I could, I would have done it since a long time as to fit better with others. My brain literally is why I struggled to socialize. My brain does not seem to have "good" filters. I tend to be seen as blunt by others. I tend to state the facts, not always realizing others surrounding me cannot always take in the truth without feeling "hurt". Really, let me say it: "EGO". Seriously, do I mean to hurt someone's feelings ? Absolutely not. I just like to stick to facts as it makes sense to me. I truly "HATE" when others ask me questions to which they vainly expect a satisfactory answer for their own ego. Essentially, don't ask me a question to which you are not prepared to hear the truth. I comprehend to a certain extent that most people have a ego, including myself, though why should I be subjected to having to sublimate the truth simply to please someone. I guess or rather understand the need for humans to seek positive validations about themselves, though why? I mean why don't they see the truth as being a better indicator of respect for them. If I was to lie to please them, am I not deserving them? Yes and no, I don't fully understand why I must "sublimate" the facts as to please someone's vain ego. Truth seems to be that if you don't say the "expected" thing, you will be outcast and punished. Not fair. This is why I am certain I am not the only one out in this world to avoid social activities. I dread them by fear of being rejected for being myself and or I must fake it and then end up disliking myself and or losing a sense of my own self. For what purpose? Please others?